As this is a brand new section of the SCHQ website, I’d like to be able to welcome everyone with a smile…but unfortunately that’s not going to happen. Why, I hear you ask? Well this is the section where those who deserve a blast get one – where political correctness is put to one side and we fire with both barrels and tell it like it is. And in round one it was all about one person – yes, you know who you are.
That’s right Buddy, it’s you.
You were all the rage over the off season, signing that multi-million dollar, 400 year contract with the Swans that would see you, your grand children and your grandchildren’s grandchildren all run out on the SCG in the famous red and white. You wanted to get away from the spotlight, they said. Another Plugger, reveling in the anonymity of AFL in Sydney, they said. It’s a perfect match, they said.
That’s right Buddy, it’s you.
You were all the rage over the off season, signing that multi-million dollar, 400 year contract with the Swans that would see you, your grand children and your grandchildren’s grandchildren all run out on the SCG in the famous red and white. You wanted to get away from the spotlight, they said. Another Plugger, reveling in the anonymity of AFL in Sydney, they said. It’s a perfect match, they said.
Despite being unimpressive in the NAB Challenge, the pundits said that come the real stuff, you and that beard of yours would turn it on and wind the clock back to the glory SC years of 2011 and 2012, where you averaged 111 and 115 pts per game.
All this in a package worth just $487,700! What a bargain.
BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, DID IT BUDDY?
The scene was set – your newly beloved Sydney Swans were playing the laughing stock of the AFL, the Greater West Sydney Giants at the recently named SPOTLESS STADIUM. Spotless? What the hell? The only thing ‘spotless’ at the end of that match was your jumper Buddy! You hardly even got a touch!
All this in a package worth just $487,700! What a bargain.
BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, DID IT BUDDY?
The scene was set – your newly beloved Sydney Swans were playing the laughing stock of the AFL, the Greater West Sydney Giants at the recently named SPOTLESS STADIUM. Spotless? What the hell? The only thing ‘spotless’ at the end of that match was your jumper Buddy! You hardly even got a touch!
Another Plugger, reveling in the anonymity of AFL in Sydney, they said. It’s a perfect match, they said.
You were playing on a bloke who by all rights should’ve been in the ICU at Sydney Hospital, and all you could manage was 4 kicks, 3 handball, 4 marks and 1 goal. A dismal total of 54 supercoach points. 54 points for God’s sake, against the Giants!
Do you know who we could’ve selected as a forward that scored better than you this week Buddy? Marco Paperone from the Brisbane Lions. That’s right, I’ve got no idea who he is either, but he managed 65 pts – against the reigning premiers no less! Even that walking timebomb Shaun Higgins managed to cobble together 69 pts in a game where I think half of the Bulldogs team actually got on Malaysia Airlines flight 370 and haven’t been heard of since. They were thrashed and he still managed 69 pts Buddy! And you want to know something else? That old man Paul Chapman – yes mate, that’s right he is still playing – is worth $20,000 less than you and he scored two and a half times what you did. 124 pts that old geezer got. Unbelievable.
You need to lift Lance. It’s serious now, I’m calling you by your first name. I know it’s only week one…and it was wet and slippery…and you’ve got Jacinta on your mind. We can all understand that, believe me. But you need to lift. No more excuses.
Leave that young Dan Hanneberry alone and get back to actually getting your hands on the footy. Forget about where you’re going to put your Swan tattoo and focus instead on actually getting a kick – or taking a mark above your head, I don’t think you’ve done that since Tiger Woods was respected.
We’ve put out reputations on the line by putting you in our SC teams Buddy – you need to repay that faith by bringing home a few tons, starting this week against the Magpies. You’ll probably be playing on that Nick Maxwell, and my grandma could beat him wearing her Hush Puppies while eating a home-baked scone.
Give us something Buddy, please. Don’t make me have to whack you again.
Chief…over and out.
*The views expressed in this article are not necessarily endorsed by the AFL or the SCHQ website…especially those of us who were smart enough to leave Buddy out of our teams in the first place.
Do you know who we could’ve selected as a forward that scored better than you this week Buddy? Marco Paperone from the Brisbane Lions. That’s right, I’ve got no idea who he is either, but he managed 65 pts – against the reigning premiers no less! Even that walking timebomb Shaun Higgins managed to cobble together 69 pts in a game where I think half of the Bulldogs team actually got on Malaysia Airlines flight 370 and haven’t been heard of since. They were thrashed and he still managed 69 pts Buddy! And you want to know something else? That old man Paul Chapman – yes mate, that’s right he is still playing – is worth $20,000 less than you and he scored two and a half times what you did. 124 pts that old geezer got. Unbelievable.
You need to lift Lance. It’s serious now, I’m calling you by your first name. I know it’s only week one…and it was wet and slippery…and you’ve got Jacinta on your mind. We can all understand that, believe me. But you need to lift. No more excuses.
Leave that young Dan Hanneberry alone and get back to actually getting your hands on the footy. Forget about where you’re going to put your Swan tattoo and focus instead on actually getting a kick – or taking a mark above your head, I don’t think you’ve done that since Tiger Woods was respected.
We’ve put out reputations on the line by putting you in our SC teams Buddy – you need to repay that faith by bringing home a few tons, starting this week against the Magpies. You’ll probably be playing on that Nick Maxwell, and my grandma could beat him wearing her Hush Puppies while eating a home-baked scone.
Give us something Buddy, please. Don’t make me have to whack you again.
Chief…over and out.
*The views expressed in this article are not necessarily endorsed by the AFL or the SCHQ website…especially those of us who were smart enough to leave Buddy out of our teams in the first place.